Words have been silent for quite sometime now. Grief is numbing and brings silence where it is not wanted. I have been silent inside for so long. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever wake again. The tears still fall. The longing has not left, but a peace resides now within. Love is there and with that love a new hope has emerged. Bright and beautiful. A new understanding lighting the way.
"How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure"
During this grieving process a friend sent me an encouraging note and a link to this talk by Elder Bednar: Bear Up Their Burdens With Ease
Heading the advice given, I paid particular attention to the section entitled "The Strengthening Power of the Atonement"
At the time, I read and re-read the words hoping to find the healing I needed in them. Nothing happened. Silence. In prayer, silence. In my thoughts, silence. In my heart silence. Naturally questions and doubt crept round about me threatening to pounce at any given moment. Thankfully in an earlier time in my life I had worked and was given experiences to build a very strong core foundation on a few very basic things. I could never deny the existence of God and His Son Jesus Christ. Each time doubt tried to get me to go there I just couldn't. I know too certain of their existence. Foundation solid. A good reminding realization. Still, the silence lingered. With knowledge of God and His Son still firmly in place I kept praying, kept attending church, kept reading, tried to serve others as often as possible, attended the temple weekly. I filled my days with good things(side note: all my kids are in school all day this year, another life event that has caused me grief. Closing that chapter has been difficult. I love it when school is out and my little/big chickens are back squawking and bossing me around). I felt better doing all these things than not doing them, but still silence through it all. Then it came. A sweet and tender gift. A prompting to act and the courage to do so, and within the space of 24 hours a much desired change took place. My heart opened once more, the heavens were no longer silent. Spiritually speaking I could hear, see, and feel once more and it was glorious and sweet. More tears of course but they didn't sting like before. They were like a balm and my heart was healed. I still miss, and long for days gone by, a loved one still here, relationships better understood, but hard things have been made easier. Returning to the afore mentioned address by Elder Bednar, "[Christ's] Atonement enables us to do good and become better in ways that stretch far beyond our mortal capacities."
It is true. The Power of Christ's atonement is real. If I were not such an introvert I would shout it from the rooftops, but that is not me. This is me, sharing a glimpse on this meager blog. Knowing that if it needs to help someone, it will. Because the Lord God is there, He really is. He will manifest Himself to all who seek Him in some way, whether through another person or in that of personal revelation. The knowledge and healing will come and with it a bright hope in the future.
"It is one thing to know that Jesus Christ came to the earth to die for us. But we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to enliven us—not only to guide but also to strengthen and heal us."
I am alive again in Christ.